Saturday, May 5, 2012

Tough, Confusing, Challenging

Sometimes I just don't get this thing called Autism.  Sometimes I wish I could just use some sort of device to extract the thoughts from my son's head so that I could hear them myself.  I don't know what goes on in his mind or why he does a lot of what he does.  I can guess, but I am never quite sure.  It's very mysterious.

I told you a week ago about how he hardly sleeps at all and how his anxiety has skyrocketed.  I told you how tired I am.  I told you it was purely exhausting.  And it is.

And now I want to tell you that for the last week or so he has been so angry.  He is angry about everything.  He yells, he cries, he stomps around, he screams out that he is angry but no amount of what we have learned in therapy to help him cope seems to help.

Why is he so angry?  I don't know.

There are small things that set him off that I can pinpoint.  For instance, one night the TV cut out right at the end of Wheel of Fortune.  He was angry because he missed the end of his show.  His anger turned into a meltdown.  That anger I can handle.  That anger has a reason and even though it seems silly it is legitimate to him.  He has a routine, it was disrupted, he got angry.  I get that.

But other anger is just coming out of the thin air.  Everything will seem fine one minute and the next minute he is freaking out.  There is nothing noticeable from my viewpoint that could have set him off, yet he just explodes.

I don't get it.

So add that to the lack of sleep and the anxiety and I am just a stressed out, mess of a mom.

Autism is tough.

Autism is confusing.

Autism is challenging.

He'll run up to me and give me the biggest hug and smile that great big smile of his and everything will be wonderful.  Then he'll walk away for a minute and his entire demeanor changes and he starts flipping out...

And then he falls asleep and he is so peaceful and he looks like a little angel and it's even more confusing - how could that angelic child be so angry?

5 comments:

  1. I know exactly where you are coming from. My son is turning 13 this month. I think puberty is playing a part in his moodiness and anger. I hope you get some rest. Stay strong. I would say more, but it's late and I am tired and my brain can't put my exact feelings into words. (((((hugs))))) from one mom of an autistic child to another.

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  2. Thanks, Vanessa. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. Sometimes I feel very alone. Even when I know I am not alone, I feel alone. Does that make sense? It helps to know others are there or have been there and understand. ((hugs))

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  3. ((HUGS)) I wish I could help. You're not alone...but I TOTALLY get how it feels that way because I often feel that way too.

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  4. I hear you. As with everything, though, it's in the Lord's hands. You might be confused, but HE knows what he's doing through your son. Clara JK.

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  5. (((hugs))) I wish I had some answers but you're definitely not alone. Sometimes I think it is just as confusing for our kids :(

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